David Costabile, stop stalking me

Or maybe I'm stalking you. Whichever it is, I feel like I've seen you everywhere lately. I first met you (or so I was led to believe) on Flight of the Conchords where you play Doug, Mel's silent, push-over of a husband. You were quiet— Mel’s constant shadow – and I barely noticed you. But as you huddled under the basement stairs of your Queens brownstown (at Mel’s request), beneath that solitary light bulb, you became something more: a character I noticed.

Then came Season 2 of Damages, and in walked Detective Rick Meeser (originally introduced in Season 1 as the illustrious 'Bearded Man'), the psychotic ring-leader of a gun-for-hire service. You were the creepiest thing on the show for a few episodes, until Darrel Hammond came in and really icked it up a notch (who would've thought that the guy who impersonates John McCain could also be one of the creepiest, ChapStick using weirdoes to hit the small screen in a long, long time?)

[holy shit Darrell Hammond]



You're cold-blooded here Dave, I gotta’ say, and I don't think I like it. Ordering Tim Olyphant to murder Rose Byrne (attorney Ellen Parsons)? Have you ever seen Rose Byrne? Do you know how cute she is? Why would you want to kill her, Dave? Lemme show you a picture...here's one...


And she’s Australian! Yeah, I’m glad you reconsidered too.

So with that behind us, lets discuss your T-Mobile commercial, which, if I may say Dave, is also a pretty creepy (I’m hoping you don’t get typecast as 'hey I need a creepy guy actor' like my man Zeljko Ivanek – mad respect by the way Zeljko). I keep getting distracted seeing you play a little girl’s dad when I’ve just watched you as a methodical, double-crossing scum-bag on Damages. So this is just the gist of the commercial mind you, but I’m pretty sure that your daughter is trying to set you up with her friend’s grandma. It’s all a little strange, but I guess the idea is that you would put the old lady in your FabFive and meet her for a martini at her nursing home. Pretty sweet. I fugured at this point in your career commercial work would be below you Dave, but then I saw the thing 1,000 fucking times in a week and realized the kind of coin you must be raking in on residual checks. So I’m not judging.

Then I looked you up on IMDB, because really, I had no idea what the hell your name was. And you BLEW MY MIND Dave. The newspaper guy from The Wire! You just skyrocketed in my book. Literally flew off the page. Now, whenever I see that terrible, terrible T-Mobile commercial, I’ll shout out: “That’s David Costabile! Doug from Flight of the Conchords, the newspaper guy from The Wire, and ‘Bearded Man’ from Damages, and he is my hero.” And I’ll let it out with pride.