Monster Bug Wars, a 60 minute television show currently airing on the Science Channel, is absolute insanity. You're probably asking yourself (a) what is Monster Bug Wars? or (b) what is the Science Channel? or more likely than not, you've never heard of either. The show and the channel bill themselves as "educational" television, but if this is what's teaching our children, God help us all.
So what, exactly, is Monster Bug Wars? Though it may sound like a SyFy channel movie of the week (e.g. Mega Python vs. Super Spider), if you DVRd the show in hope of some epic cheese you're going to be in for a bit of a letdown. The show pits a variety of bugs up against one another, and with footage captured from somewhere deep in the wilderness (probably a backyard in Echo Park), over the course of the hour, five bugs (from five 'fights') are crowned heavy weight champions of the grossest and lowest chain of the animal kingdom (the other five contestants die terrible, icky deaths). If this show doesn't sound absurd enough by this point, Monster Bug Wars launches itself into the ultimate drinking game stratosphere by adding the most ridiculous elements I've ever seen in a so-called "educational" television program.
First, before each bout, an insect "expert" from so and so university introduces each combatant. This is sort of like how HBO had Fight Camp 360: Pacquiao vs. Mosley except it's absolutely nothing like that. We hear about how ferocious each competitor is and what we can expect from their Mortal Combat finishing move ("watch out, because this ant can lift a thousand times its body weight! That's like if you could life 15,000 pounds!").
Simultaneously we're treated to some nifty CGI, because if the National Spelling Bee and the PGA get computerized intros, then there's no way we don't get to see a CGI Praying Mantis with claws that sound like Morimoto's knives getting sharpened. If you get your rocks off to quick CGI zooms of pincers, stingers, and fuzzy mandibles, then these segments will probably make your head explode.
But it's in post-production sound editing where Monster Bug Wars really shines. Take for instance the fire ant. Whenever said fire ant (CGI or actual fire ant) zoom-ins occur we get A TIGER GROWL. I shit you not. For beetles, Monster Bug Wars often employs the call of the majestic elephant.
I had no idea the two were related, but now, thanks to this show, I have some amazing little informational tidbits to drop over small talk at cocktail parties. When I try to imagine how the wizards over at Monster Bug Wars managed to pull off these sound effects, I envision a tiny, one-inch man, out there in the somewhere in field, gently (yet simultaneously pissing in his miniature pants) leaning a boom mic as close as possible up to an ant's pincers.
[The Starship Troopers camera guy was shrunk down to the size of your pinky in hopes of obtaining the mythical roar of the fire ant.]
So, in summation, Monster Bug Wars is one of the greatest and most educational shows on television. I can also vouch for it as a fantastic drinking game. During the course of five bug battles, a litany of things can be won and lost on the outcomes a title card fights starring, for example, GIANT SCORPION vs. MAMMOTH WOOLY SPIDER. And yes, the mammoth wooly spider sounds like a bug from Starship Troopers, in case you were wondering.
So the next time your friend tells you he's watching UFC #771 for 79.99 you tell him you're watching TRAP-JAW vs. ANT LION, for FREE.
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